Old Man Weldon

17th January 2012

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I’m starting regret Entourage already!

This is late because I was very sick and even more wildly uninspired by this episode.

SEASON 1, EPISODE 2: THE REVIEW

WHAT I REMEMBER: Hopefully the episode titles continue to remain so blatantly helpful in regards to what the episode is about, but knowing the turn the show takes in later season (“Self-seriousness is a left up here, Mr Ellin”) season four and on will probably all have names like “Empathy From the Devil” or “Turtle’s final swim”.

Vince gets a bad review from Variety (getting bad reviews from Variety becomes a theme on the show because a writer at Variety was constantly crapping on Entourage, and what is a scripted television for other than settling your beefs?) and Eric tries to keep him happy while the rest of the reviews come in. One way they do this is by buying a Rolls Phantom. I think E’s ex-girlfriend makes an appearance, but not positive. I also think Drama and Turtle are given no actual storylines of their own to handle, much to the relief of people who sat through the later days and watched Kevin Dillon and Jerry Ferrara struggle to display any emotion other than joy over collecting a paycheck. That’s mean, so I’ll add that Adrien Grenier doesn’t even emote joy at receiving a paycheck, so I’m not saying they’re the worst things on the show.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: 

The episode begins with Eric walking on Drama practicing the Vagina Monologues for an acting class. E is baffled by this, apparently unaware until now of Drama’s history of “acting” like “characters in written productions”, particularly when he’s holding a script he’s clearly reading from. There’s a transgender joke (GOT ‘EM, AND IT’S ABOUT TIME TOO) and Turtle comes home with a copy of Variety, containing the bad review. “Fucking Prick called you a ‘thespian’.” Turtle says sincerely, lending credence to the theory he never developed passed the age of eight mentally. The review is bad, folks. So bad, it sounds like it was written about the 2001 motion picture “Harvard Man”.

The guys go to Ari’s, where they meet reccuring characters Justine Chapin (played by Latent Meester) the world’s most obvious Britney Spears surrogate, and Ari’s assistant Emily. So many recurring characters already!!!!!! I bet all their storylines pay off, and huge!

“Bet accepted,” you say right before I have to pay you money for losing said bet.

Ari chastises E for letting Vince read the bad review, then tells Eric to keep Vince distracted. This exchange takes place:

Eric: “WHAT’S VINCE’S NEXT JOB?”

Ari: “YOU DIDN’T TAKE THE JOB I GOT VINCE YOU PASSED BECAUSE THE SCRIPT STUNK!”

(I hope you find that interesting, because it happens about once a season.) Hug it out makes, I believe, it’s first appearance. They buy a Rolls Phantom, because this takes place anyone anywhere was disgusted by flagrant wealth, and then they have the second 4 girl-4 guy pool party in as many episodes. Because the only thing more interesting than going to a pool party in real life is watching one on television. Vince’s accountant gets mad at Eric for letting Vince spend so much on a car, there’s talk of buying a house (“This is LA. Today it’s worth 10 million, tomorrow it’s worth 20.” Drama says in a moment of unintentionally depressing real life dramatic-irony) and they end up at a party at Jessica Alba’s (who gives her most convincing performance ever as herself). Eric and Ari have more tension, Eric questions his qualifications to be Vince’s manager, then Vince tells him he’s good at it and to return the Phantom (which I guess he does, even though it’s both a lease and never addressed on camera again.)

This episode, despite also featuring the first of many appearances of Welcome to Earf’ café, stunk. Dull dull dull, and not even a rehash of the first episode because at least the first episode had some tension, with Colin Farrell taking the job Vince was thinking about taking (but the jokes on Colin Farrell because his career isn’t so hot now). Is this whole season essentially one episode’s worth of plot ground out to an entire season length? It’s starting to feel like it.

NOTES: No hot girls to open the show, so we’re now 1/2.

Gay Panic joke 2/2 (I feel strongly this categories is going to end up going perfect)

Game changing phonecall to end the episode 1/2 but to be honest, I skipped the last minute because this was such a dud. 

GOOD JOKES ALERT: Drama: “The Orange County Register said I was a functioning retard. Now that was a bad review.”

Tagged: projectEntourage