To the band “Outkast”…
“Yes, I would like to know about some gangster shit. Sorry about the lateness of my reply, it’s taken this long since the release of ‘Stankonia’ for me to know for sure.”
To the Actress Scarlett Johansson…
“I’m sorry my twenty first birthday wish finally same true. I understand it’s caused you some embarrassment.”
To Michael Jackson…
“I’m sorry the organizers of your tribute concert hired Jamie Foxx to host it. I bet as you lay dying, you thought ‘At least things can’t get any worse…’”
To Katherine Heigl
“Your claims that you aren’t unlikable would be more credible if you made them in a slightly more likable way.”
To Judd Apatow
“You’ve heard of ‘too much of a good thing’? Well, Blooper Reels weren’t good to begin with. If it’s so funny, just put it in the movie.”
To Jamie Foxx
“Please, stop. My brother is very ill.”
To Judd Apatow
“Please don’t read my previous letter as an invitation to make your movies any longer. Your last movie I saw in theaters was so long I almost fused to my seat, like a fat woman on the toilet. Please, do not be put off by the crudeness of that last joke, I’m trying to get a job writing for a Comedy Central Roast.”
To Comedy Central
“As per my request for employment, please see the inclosed letter to Judd Apatow.”
